The writing on my skin tells a story that’s not mine.

There’s no way to reverse time.

The memories are lost.

There is no amount of of time to get it back, even with force.

I’ve wondered if I carve into my skin will the pain take me back to those places that are lost.

Will I lose all of myself?

I wonder what would be the cost?

If you look into my eyes you’ll be able to see I’m nothing more than a glitch I’m simply not able to be fixed.



Troubled Reminders

You remind me there’s no where to go.

You remind me of the pain that has been caused.

You remind me I will always be lost.

There is no happiness here only constant sadness leading to madness.

Your constant reminders are not for my own good as you say.

It crumbles up my day.

There not making me strong but weak.

I claim Defeat

I’m not turning the feelings into anger as you want.

Do what you taunt.

I’ve had just enough to tell me the people in this life are corrupt and have no problem picking up a knife with or without there words.

They do as they please with only looking out for them self never wondering about the other person.

They’ve carved marks along this body and mind. They’ve watched this body and mind break. After they’ve watch the mind shatter and fade.

They’ve walked away pointing…look at what we made


My Lil Princess

I know you are sad

I know you miss her, wish kiss her on her cheek and hold her tight

I know you wish things were back as it was….made right

I’m sure she misses you like she should

I’m sure she feels in you there’s nothing but good

Please don’t hold your head low

It was her time to go

She will always be there for you and by your side

In life she will be your guide

Stay in the light and walk with your heart

You are truly loved and in spirit we will never be apart.

Emilie/ Nyki & Alice

It Isn’t Easy

Under the water comforts me so

With every wave I feel like I crawl to the ocean floor

No more surface as I can barely breathe, take it anymore

The surface always being panic and fear

There is just to much to deal with being real

So many problems to face, fix

It devours every part of me

It chains me down, not letting me be free

I’m unable to fix what you can see

I’m not able to turn the past around

I can barely stay above ground

If you could just understand what it’s like to be me

There are things even I’m unable to see

I know I’m far from being normal you use to see

Please try to accept me and that all you see

It isn’t easy being me

Emilie / Nyki

The Whole

I’ve had a rough life

I’ve been beaten, whipped, verbally attacked

My mental state before then would never come back

I’ve been left to defend myself against people who said they loved me

That was a lie as I could see

I wore my pain inside, and it build

I though it would never come out, as it was hid

I tired to move on and let it stay behind

Behind my eyes I was no longer alive

I had found someone that seemed somewhat like me

He loved me and all I could be

My health started to deteriorate and my mind started to crap

Some he would no love me, and there was no turning back

As my body was crumbling nothing was the same

The man I came to love and wed

Was secretly tucking someone else in bed

The one that lit up my life

The one who was my one and only knight

Took and burned my heart and my life

Within Me

I feel like a monster because, I’ve swallowed all the good in me

The moments where laughs and smiles came so easily

Tears of pain would mean release at the end

Now, there’s nothing more… not even a friend

My face is always stern

There’s no more to yearn, only things I’d like burn

I’m not settled In a place I’d like to be

There’s only a shell of me

I can’t see the world from a good emotional state

There no love in me, only hate

I’m to the point of always watching out for me

This needs to be done in order for me to be free

The love, hurt and lies …this is what killed me inside

There’s no more trust, connection
Or  reflection 

Just a place to sit in an empty body where there’s no pain

This is all of me…the cruel, unusual and insane


Everything is closing around me 
I’m unable to touch or feel

Nothing seems real

I’m living someone else’s life

They only see her, not me

Where am I meant to be

I feel like an old house in this body

I creaking is the arthritis in my hands

The foundation is the heart that decided to stop in the hospital and has never been the same

The windows is the brain that makes me feel like I’m insane

What am I do to when the host is gone

Everything feels like a storm

The becoming of me


I struggle with the fire in me
The fire in me wants to fight
I want to keep calm and make things right
Within wants to tear it all up and make it everything bleed
I want to pick up the tissue wipe away the need
Within wants to embrace the power, take what it wants
Tear away the insides of hope
I want to embrace the peace, while I search for a release
Within me it screams, there is no hope, there is no calm…the world is nothing but harm
It says you can’t make peace with yourself…you’ll never be at rest
You need to keep your guard up and hurt everything in sight
Nothing you do will make anything right
The fire builds up and begins to consume me but some of me is still in the light
I beg, I pled that this is not what I need
I don’t want this I want to stay in my own bliss
There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it calls to me
I can be good, I can do right, I can keep things right
The fire burns out my light and says it is the only thing that will be there for me because no other will
Taking over will be no big deal
Within paves the way and swallows fear, and it is real
I’ve held my head low and let it swarm around me
It’s glow slithered into my head like a breeze
It warmed me to my toes and settled in my knees
It burned out my heart and whispered, let it begin
My body went into shock, my hands began to bleed, and before I knew it my body was on fire
It said this must begin to kill any desire
My skin started to crack and peel, as new skin began to come up
It was so powerful as I thrusted my head back
When I finally came to, my eyes were black
This is the new me
I say this, watch out because I am no longer broken, there are no new scars on me
For now the darkness is me, and we are free to take, to rule and fight
I will chew up all things, just because it just feels right

Your welcome


body at rest

Sing me a sweet song
A song that talks me to into going to sleep
Let me rest and dream of all things sweet
Let me not wake because my mind will be beat
It will be beat of what once where
Where I’m unable to change anything for the good
For I would wish everything is understood
But, all I will hear are cries and goodbyes
I will not be able to make anew
These are things I can’t get threw
There is no one to hold my hand
No one to tell me there be there to understand
Let me rest my head on this cloud I call a pillow while my eyes drift
My body starts to relax as I know after this there is no turning back


One minute I feel close to you 

Then you push me away

You keep me at arms distance to keep me at bay

You refuse to get close

For you don’t want to know me

You want away out of this life

Your words cut me to pieces with a knife 

How are we to grow on each other 

When I’m afraid I remind you of another

You give me hope and then you take it away 

I don’t think you care enough for us to stay 

My words bleed on the floor 

For it’s my heart and you’ve closed the door

You get made your words are full of hate

Then you wonder why my mind is in this state 

I’m no good for you as all I do is bleed 

I bleed because I’m not what you think you need