The writing on my skin tells a story that’s not mine.
There’s no way to reverse time.
The memories are lost.
There is no amount of of time to get it back, even with force.
I’ve wondered if I carve into my skin will the pain take me back to those places that are lost.
Will I lose all of myself?
I wonder what would be the cost?
If you look into my eyes you’ll be able to see I’m nothing more than a glitch I’m simply not able to be fixed.
You remind me there’s no where to go.
You remind me of the pain that has been caused.
You remind me I will always be lost.
There is no happiness here only constant sadness leading to madness.
Your constant reminders are not for my own good as you say.
It crumbles up my day.
There not making me strong but weak.
I claim Defeat
I’m not turning the feelings into anger as you want.
Do what you taunt.
I’ve had just enough to tell me the people in this life are corrupt and have no problem picking up a knife with or without there words.
They do as they please with only looking out for them self never wondering about the other person.
They’ve carved marks along this body and mind. They’ve watched this body and mind break. After they’ve watch the mind shatter and fade.
They’ve walked away pointing…look at what we made
I know you are sad
I know you miss her, wish kiss her on her cheek and hold her tight
I know you wish things were back as it was….made right
I’m sure she misses you like she should
I’m sure she feels in you there’s nothing but good
Please don’t hold your head low
It was her time to go
She will always be there for you and by your side
In life she will be your guide
Stay in the light and walk with your heart
You are truly loved and in spirit we will never be apart.
Emilie/ Nyki & Alice
Under the water comforts me so
With every wave I feel like I crawl to the ocean floor
No more surface as I can barely breathe, take it anymore
The surface always being panic and fear
There is just to much to deal with being real
So many problems to face, fix
It devours every part of me
It chains me down, not letting me be free
I’m unable to fix what you can see
I’m not able to turn the past around
I can barely stay above ground
If you could just understand what it’s like to be me
There are things even I’m unable to see
I know I’m far from being normal you use to see
Please try to accept me and that all you see
It isn’t easy being me
Emilie / Nyki
I’ve had a rough life
I’ve been beaten, whipped, verbally attacked
My mental state before then would never come back
I’ve been left to defend myself against people who said they loved me
That was a lie as I could see
I wore my pain inside, and it build
I though it would never come out, as it was hid
I tired to move on and let it stay behind
Behind my eyes I was no longer alive
I had found someone that seemed somewhat like me
He loved me and all I could be
My health started to deteriorate and my mind started to crap
Some he would no love me, and there was no turning back
As my body was crumbling nothing was the same
The man I came to love and wed
Was secretly tucking someone else in bed
The one that lit up my life
The one who was my one and only knight
Took and burned my heart and my life
I feel like a monster because, I’ve swallowed all the good in me
The moments where laughs and smiles came so easily
Tears of pain would mean release at the end
Now, there’s nothing more… not even a friend
My face is always stern
There’s no more to yearn, only things I’d like burn
I’m not settled In a place I’d like to be
There’s only a shell of me
I can’t see the world from a good emotional state
There no love in me, only hate
I’m to the point of always watching out for me
This needs to be done in order for me to be free
The love, hurt and lies …this is what killed me inside
There’s no more trust, connection
Just a place to sit in an empty body where there’s no pain
This is all of me…the cruel, unusual and insane
Everything is closing around me
I’m unable to touch or feel
Nothing seems real
I’m living someone else’s life
They only see her, not me
Where am I meant to be
I feel like an old house in this body
I creaking is the arthritis in my hands
The foundation is the heart that decided to stop in the hospital and has never been the same
The windows is the brain that makes me feel like I’m insane
What am I do to when the host is gone
Everything feels like a storm
I struggle with the fire in me
The fire in me wants to fight
I want to keep calm and make things right
Within wants to tear it all up and make it everything bleed
I want to pick up the tissue wipe away the need
Within wants to embrace the power, take what it wants
Tear away the insides of hope
I want to embrace the peace, while I search for a release
Within me it screams, there is no hope, there is no calm…the world is nothing but harm
It says you can’t make peace with yourself…you’ll never be at rest
You need to keep your guard up and hurt everything in sight
Nothing you do will make anything right
The fire builds up and begins to consume me but some of me is still in the light
I beg, I pled that this is not what I need
I don’t want this I want to stay in my own bliss
There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it calls to me
I can be good, I can do right, I can keep things right
The fire burns out my light and says it is the only thing that will be there for me because no other will
Taking over will be no big deal
Within paves the way and swallows fear, and it is real
I’ve held my head low and let it swarm around me
It’s glow slithered into my head like a breeze
It warmed me to my toes and settled in my knees
It burned out my heart and whispered, let it begin
My body went into shock, my hands began to bleed, and before I knew it my body was on fire
It said this must begin to kill any desire
My skin started to crack and peel, as new skin began to come up
It was so powerful as I thrusted my head back
When I finally came to, my eyes were black
This is the new me
I say this, watch out because I am no longer broken, there are no new scars on me
For now the darkness is me, and we are free to take, to rule and fight
I will chew up all things, just because it just feels right
Sing me a sweet song
A song that talks me to into going to sleep
Let me rest and dream of all things sweet
Let me not wake because my mind will be beat
It will be beat of what once where
Where I’m unable to change anything for the good
For I would wish everything is understood
But, all I will hear are cries and goodbyes
I will not be able to make anew
These are things I can’t get threw
There is no one to hold my hand
No one to tell me there be there to understand
Let me rest my head on this cloud I call a pillow while my eyes drift
My body starts to relax as I know after this there is no turning back
One minute I feel close to you
Then you push me away
You keep me at arms distance to keep me at bay
You refuse to get close
For you don’t want to know me
You want away out of this life
Your words cut me to pieces with a knife
How are we to grow on each other
When I’m afraid I remind you of another
You give me hope and then you take it away
I don’t think you care enough for us to stay
My words bleed on the floor
For it’s my heart and you’ve closed the door
You get made your words are full of hate
Then you wonder why my mind is in this state
I’m no good for you as all I do is bleed
I bleed because I’m not what you think you need