I walk in the room and there she is staring back at me

She smirks and hangs her head low

She stays but, silently as if she has no where to go

I sit down to have a drink

I look up and she gets closer with a smirk on her face

She bends over to me ear to whisper how does that taste

I start to answer the question but, she interrupts

She says I know its hurts

She also says your not a dirty rag left on the floor

You are better then you know, for this is what I have in store

You an either stop drinking and stop feeling low

Or you can sit here and never let go

Either way the situation doesn’t change

But, you can look within your heart to rearrange

Yes, what you’ve been dealt is a hell of a hand

I will not bother to tell you I understand

We all have our own stories which will unfold

But, go to the one that fills your heart to hold

Look at what the see in you and see how you see yourself

You shouldn’t hold yourself alone

There’s nothing to atone

Your worries and concerns will always hold you back

This is not a promise…this is indeed a fact


(I wrote this thinking of being in a bar but, the person talking to me is a reflection in the mirror of me)


Shattered End

My mind is like shattered glass on the floor
I look down to see my reflection

I see nothing at all

It is because I can’t see myself

I feel like I’m covered with thick lining

I try and stretch my way out but, it’s binding

I start to panic, as I can barely breathe

The lining gets thicker and tight

I’ve tried to put up a good fight

I feel like it will never let me go

To take my last breathe because, it will not show ease

I’m doomed from here

No way to please


A Wish

A wish, a thought of something nice

A thought that would be maybe make us thinks twice

There are so many wants

So many needs

I doubt at the end, they’ll be nothing to please

We mix our wants at times with desire

To be looked upon, to be admired

You ask for just 1 wish

I’ll give you this

A mind that is not so troubled

When I wake up I’m forever humbled

To take the mind that once were

To have this twisted present as a blur

To be able to recognize myself

To stay in better in health

To hold a child that I no longer see as mine

To be able to give her a mothers time

This is my 1 wish you see

To go back and be a better version of me


A Bleeding Heart

I show myself when no one is around

I show myself when you are out of town

For your actions lead me heartbroken

I feel like in your yes I’m just a token

Something to say I was just here

But as you continue to walk away, I’m in fear

I thought everything was going alright

Lately, only to me your always uptight

No matter what I do nothing feels right

I miss when things were okay

I miss when you said you would stay

Now, I see you, and all you do is walk forward and fast

I know you no longer want me around

Some how I’ve broken you and you’ve cast me to the ground

I’m sorry I can’t bring the person you want back

I know you need her in your life

A piece of her leaving strike you like a sharp knife

Please know it wasn’t her intention to go

She couldn’t hold on any longer

Her mind didn’t grow stronger

I’m afraid her mind broke in pieces

Her heart is no longer here

She will never appear

I’m sorry she’s gone and this place feels like a dome

Neither one of us feels like this is our home

I know I’m not your mom but, I can do my best to be there for you

Whatever it is I’ll help you get through


(for our youngest who hurt shows through, for the absence of her mom)


This Disease

I wake up with noise in my head

Voices scrambling to be picked first

I’ve felt like my head is going to burst

I can’t seem to get my thoughts threw

Everything I see feels untrue

The doubt in my head spreads to everyone

My nerves are tight

My body temperature is high

My heart feels like it’s going to let me die

These moments are hard to past

Nothing I take slows it down but, makes it last

Am I doomed to be stuck, feeling that makes me want to give up

Is there any good luck

I warn myself that I’m in a danger zone

There’s no one to talk to that will be able to put me at ease

No one to take this disease


To Hide Behind the Light

The lights are always bright
As the dark comforts me

It doesn’t remind me to see

I can find my way around by touch

For me…this is enough

There are no reflections that keep me down

There are no shadows around

I can speak comfortable with no fears

I can be myself, as I’ve been for many years

It isn’t for people around to see

This darkness is only for me

Let me stay in the darkness where I’m not confused for another


Where my presence don’t inflict pain

To not to strike tears of a lost one

Yes, I’ll hide in the dark

This is to create a new start for all of us

I leave you with this…my pain is real. For I wake up in a room always in light. For this causes no wonderment but, a pain in my heart. It’s a reminder of the missing person who use to be here. It’s a constant reminder of fear and what will never be. Apart of me is her, as her appearance is known.

I’m just in…her already made home


Watching behind Closed Doors

I watch from behind two windows, never to touch or feel

I’m afraid I’ll never know what’s it like to be real

To listen to conversations that I’ll never be able to contribute to

To be worse than an outcast as I’ll be seen right through

I’m in this mind, I know you can hear me talk about how I feel

If only I could just be real

Please say that you need me to come out

I feel closed in, shut out

What I am is not what I want to be

I just want to be free


Can This Be

I watch you walk closer to me

Our life together flashed before my eyes

How can this be…a future with me

Your smile seemed brighter the closer you got

My lips trembled, my heart felt like it was pounding through my chest

How could I prove to you, I’m not like the rest

The damage that was once were, that knocked you off your feet

For I was the one that helped picked you up, to walk to a different beat

Yes, I enjoy laughing and smiling with you all the time

Deep down, I wish you were mine

To always be there for you as before

But this time, forever and more

You are the light that once appeared in my dark room

I really hope one day we’ll be together soon

Sincerely the light you bring into my heart

The person who has always loved you from the start


The Ones Inside We Call Us

The truth has come but, I’m not happy

I went in with confusion and doubt

I didn’t know what all this was about

The news felt unreal, as this is a big deal

The rest of my life now doesn’t feel free

I feel I’ll never know me, or truly be able to see

Who am I and how and why has this begun

Everyday feels like a curse to not remember what has been done

Did I do something to piss someone off

I now feel truly alone like being outside of the glass

This is not a symptom…this will last

What is this new lives within me and how do they feel

Probably just like me…unreal

Are we to fight for a position at any cause

Am I to sit back and see the lost

Have they been taken from a life they once knew

Are we all doomed to be what we are due

We hold separate feelings and different lives

I’m sure we all miss what we truly had inside

I know we can only communicate on paper

Will we all agree to stay together

Will we take this and live for just each of us and walk away to whats around


Or will we be together and be bound


Breaking down

Tear me down and break me

Peel off my skin and let it burn

Slap y face till I turn

Tell me I’m no good and don’t belong anywhere

Tell me I’m all used up like tissues on the floor

Tell me I deserve far more

I’m a piece of left over fabric on the floor

I’m been run over, stepped on, left to shred and become nothing more but, a waste of life

Tell me I’m never to live a single moment as a mother, a friend, or wife


I can’t give you what you need, for I’ll stand here and just bleed…your words not mine


The Face that Shows but, I am not

I’m but a face of torment for him

A life that was harsh

It was full of heartbreak, smiles, cries and hurt

Leaving nothing but dead inside

I’ve arisen and have been banished to the past hole

I’m not able to start a new…for its the face that shows threw


A Kiss Goodnight

Your words would go through me like a beating heart on drugs

You would soothe me with every touch you would give

I’ve become tied up in what you would say like us being together and no one else

I would only know happiness because, of our interaction together

This is me with my heart on my sleeve leaving no room for tears , fears or lies

You are what lay beneath my skin to hide

Am I wrong for feelings this way

Are my thoughts puffs of smoke waiting to escape with each windy day

Am I to find that you don;t feel the same and I’m the one to blame


The Other Side

There are times I feel alone

There are times when my ears rings with voices

Sometimes I listen and sometimes not

They all know what to say

They say keep calm and well make everything go away

They never ask me of my troubles for they already know

They are there when I’m low

They know I feel this way when I have nowhere to go

I start feeling like a lost cause for I have nothing to give

They ask me to trade my life for them to live

See these voices can seem light, nice and friendly

But they turn when I say no, and turn deadly

They say dark things and touch my hair

They tell me not to be scared

They tell me do as they say, and everything will be okay

The wanted me to promise not to leave

They say they have special secrets they can retrieve

They say that they;ll look like me and no one will every be the wiser

They said they’ll take me somewhere in between and higher

I’ll have no pain, worries or emotion

I’ll be like a breeze on the ocean

I stopped my questions for I knew that they were up to no good, and I couldn’t allow that to happen

I stood up to walk away but fell down

I was told I’m weak and I should stay around

I shook my head and said no

I held my head up and said it’s time for me to go

They told me to stick around and enjoy they show, no one and I mean no one will know

A big screen appeared and showed letters that said this is for you

I sat down and watched what was on the screen…it was me but, there was no sound

I watched a life that wasn’t mine but another

She seemed taller, brighter and had a lot to offer

I’m in a body with an opposite mind

I feel like I’m trapped in time

Half of this life is gone that I know of

I have nothing to remember to show

How am I know things before it’s time to go

Am I meant to do something other then this presence

When I go will there we a light or am I to stay in between this place doomed to have everything erased


Wondering Mind

My mind still wonders

Who am I and what should I do

Because the past is gone and the present to

I barely know myself as there are some days that are blank

I feel like a big mistake, a joke and its all on me

Sometimes I can barely breathe

There are mornings where I panic because I don’t know where I am, and who’s there

I don’t recognize anyone anywhere

I can barely put words together as I studder

A man comes to me and tells me where in this together

I don’t recognize this man but, he takes my and tells me he understands

He says he knows things don’t seem right but. he’ll stay with me throughout the night

He tells me it’s okay to cry, as he’ll hold me close because, he knows my worth

He shows me a book and tells me to write how I feel down because, they’ll be days like this when he’s not around

He says I’m stronger then I feel and his love is real

He wrapped his arms around me and told me it’s okay to feel .


Locked Door

My mind gets empty but, yet I have a nauseated feeling

It pulls me in different directions

I begin to question everything, myself, people around me

This is not a feeling I would welcome or promote

It’s like my brain is trying to read a special locked note

Only my sub conscience can see what is inside

Probably hurt and pain

My brain hides everything to keep me sane

Is it something so bad it refuses to let me peek

Are there lies, treacherous mischief and deceit

I cannot fathom what’s behind the locked door

I’m hoping I;ll be prepared for whats in store

The majority of me wishes it’s kept inside

Leaving me with the state of mind to stay alive


Yearned to Be

Is it wrong to feel the need to be wanted

To be yearned for

To be waited for

The thought of me runs through your mind

Knowing that we will be together in time

You will have glances and wants

But, it will be I that will quench your thirst

You know I will always do right by you

No games, drama or unrealistic tears

For my words will be nothing but the truth for many years

I will turn your world upside down with laughter, praise, caring and understanding

For my intentions will always be good, I know nothing but the best for you as I should.


The Shell of Me

Hello family and friends!

I meet you and great you with open arms

I smile with you at ease, eager to please

To learn from you all, on this present day

When you look at me, you see my past

For I see nothing but the present but, I know it won’t last

See, I’m a visitor, an empty shell, that has no connections

I may walk like her, look like her but, you know I will never be here…ever again

I’m sorry for all the hurt and pain but, I’m like this, and will always be the same

Your gestures to recall are understandable but, I’m not her

I’m just me…an empty shell as you can see.



The writing on my skin tells a story that’s not mine.

There’s no way to reverse time.

The memories are lost.

There is no amount of of time to get it back, even with force.

I’ve wondered if I carve into my skin will the pain take me back to those places that are lost.

Will I lose all of myself?

I wonder what would be the cost?

If you look into my eyes you’ll be able to see I’m nothing more than a glitch I’m simply not able to be fixed.


Troubled Reminders

You remind me there’s no where to go.

You remind me of the pain that has been caused.

You remind me I will always be lost.

There is no happiness here only constant sadness leading to madness.

Your constant reminders are not for my own good as you say.

It crumbles up my day.

There not making me strong but weak.

I claim Defeat

I’m not turning the feelings into anger as you want.

Do what you taunt.

I’ve had just enough to tell me the people in this life are corrupt and have no problem picking up a knife with or without there words.

They do as they please with only looking out for them self never wondering about the other person.

They’ve carved marks along this body and mind. They’ve watched this body and mind break. After they’ve watch the mind shatter and fade.

They’ve walked away pointing…look at what we made


My Lil Princess

I know you are sad

I know you miss her, wish kiss her on her cheek and hold her tight

I know you wish things were back as it was….made right

I’m sure she misses you like she should

I’m sure she feels in you there’s nothing but good

Please don’t hold your head low

It was her time to go

She will always be there for you and by your side

In life she will be your guide

Stay in the light and walk with your heart

You are truly loved and in spirit we will never be apart.

Emilie/ Nyki & Alice

It Isn’t Easy

Under the water comforts me so

With every wave I feel like I crawl to the ocean floor

No more surface as I can barely breathe, take it anymore

The surface always being panic and fear

There is just to much to deal with being real

So many problems to face, fix

It devours every part of me

It chains me down, not letting me be free

I’m unable to fix what you can see

I’m not able to turn the past around

I can barely stay above ground

If you could just understand what it’s like to be me

There are things even I’m unable to see

I know I’m far from being normal you use to see

Please try to accept me and that all you see

It isn’t easy being me

Emilie / Nyki

The Whole

I’ve had a rough life

I’ve been beaten, whipped, verbally attacked

My mental state before then would never come back

I’ve been left to defend myself against people who said they loved me

That was a lie as I could see

I wore my pain inside, and it build

I though it would never come out, as it was hid

I tired to move on and let it stay behind

Behind my eyes I was no longer alive

I had found someone that seemed somewhat like me

He loved me and all I could be

My health started to deteriorate and my mind started to crap

Some he would no love me, and there was no turning back

As my body was crumbling nothing was the same

The man I came to love and wed

Was secretly tucking someone else in bed

The one that lit up my life

The one who was my one and only knight

Took and burned my heart and my life

Within Me

I feel like a monster because, I’ve swallowed all the good in me

The moments where laughs and smiles came so easily

Tears of pain would mean release at the end

Now, there’s nothing more… not even a friend

My face is always stern

There’s no more to yearn, only things I’d like burn

I’m not settled In a place I’d like to be

There’s only a shell of me

I can’t see the world from a good emotional state

There no love in me, only hate

I’m to the point of always watching out for me

This needs to be done in order for me to be free

The love, hurt and lies …this is what killed me inside

There’s no more trust, connection
Or  reflection 

Just a place to sit in an empty body where there’s no pain

This is all of me…the cruel, unusual and insane


Everything is closing around me 
I’m unable to touch or feel

Nothing seems real

I’m living someone else’s life

They only see her, not me

Where am I meant to be

I feel like an old house in this body

I creaking is the arthritis in my hands

The foundation is the heart that decided to stop in the hospital and has never been the same

The windows is the brain that makes me feel like I’m insane

What am I do to when the host is gone

Everything feels like a storm

The becoming of me


I struggle with the fire in me
The fire in me wants to fight
I want to keep calm and make things right
Within wants to tear it all up and make it everything bleed
I want to pick up the tissue wipe away the need
Within wants to embrace the power, take what it wants
Tear away the insides of hope
I want to embrace the peace, while I search for a release
Within me it screams, there is no hope, there is no calm…the world is nothing but harm
It says you can’t make peace with yourself…you’ll never be at rest
You need to keep your guard up and hurt everything in sight
Nothing you do will make anything right
The fire builds up and begins to consume me but some of me is still in the light
I beg, I pled that this is not what I need
I don’t want this I want to stay in my own bliss
There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it calls to me
I can be good, I can do right, I can keep things right
The fire burns out my light and says it is the only thing that will be there for me because no other will
Taking over will be no big deal
Within paves the way and swallows fear, and it is real
I’ve held my head low and let it swarm around me
It’s glow slithered into my head like a breeze
It warmed me to my toes and settled in my knees
It burned out my heart and whispered, let it begin
My body went into shock, my hands began to bleed, and before I knew it my body was on fire
It said this must begin to kill any desire
My skin started to crack and peel, as new skin began to come up
It was so powerful as I thrusted my head back
When I finally came to, my eyes were black
This is the new me
I say this, watch out because I am no longer broken, there are no new scars on me
For now the darkness is me, and we are free to take, to rule and fight
I will chew up all things, just because it just feels right

Your welcome


body at rest

Sing me a sweet song
A song that talks me to into going to sleep
Let me rest and dream of all things sweet
Let me not wake because my mind will be beat
It will be beat of what once where
Where I’m unable to change anything for the good
For I would wish everything is understood
But, all I will hear are cries and goodbyes
I will not be able to make anew
These are things I can’t get threw
There is no one to hold my hand
No one to tell me there be there to understand
Let me rest my head on this cloud I call a pillow while my eyes drift
My body starts to relax as I know after this there is no turning back


One minute I feel close to you 

Then you push me away

You keep me at arms distance to keep me at bay

You refuse to get close

For you don’t want to know me

You want away out of this life

Your words cut me to pieces with a knife 

How are we to grow on each other 

When I’m afraid I remind you of another

You give me hope and then you take it away 

I don’t think you care enough for us to stay 

My words bleed on the floor 

For it’s my heart and you’ve closed the door

You get made your words are full of hate

Then you wonder why my mind is in this state 

I’m no good for you as all I do is bleed 

I bleed because I’m not what you think you need